I'm back!

After a 2 year gap, I've returned to blogdom. I'd like to claim that I've been doing great things and changing the world but reality is far more mundane. I'd forgotten my blogger password and couldn't work out how to get back in. Plus I discovered Facebook and found a whole new way to while away my days....

Hangin' out wit da fuzz...

Its been a wierd few days. Earlier in the week, I was in the prison service's equivalent of a twilight home hanging out with geriatric lifers. Small talk isn't easy when you're banged up with sweet looking old grandads who've bumped off a hockey team full of wives and girlfriends between them. All the usual tried and tested questions like "have you been anywhere good lately?" don't go down too well with people whose last taste of freedom was outside Manchester Assizes in 1962. The lowest point of the day was getting locked in the loo ("you can't be too careful miss" said Officer Screw) and then getting forgotten about for half an hour. After that I knew just how Yvonne Atkins felt when Fenner left her to die in the hanging cell in "Bad Girls". Later that day, I got dragged out to a karaoke evening by a mate of mine. What she didn't tell me was that the bar had been taken over by off-duty police officers. The sight of the constabulary's finest warbling their way through "Power Ballads volume 1" will take some time to erase itself from my memory. I was genuinely fascinated by their musical taste - Celine Dion, Showtunes, Irish rebel songs and Elvis all sung properly and in tune by people who had clearly been practising for weeks was not what I expected. If they put the same effort into catching burglars as they put into karaoke, the Daily Mail would be thrilled. I got talking to a few of them which is always tricky. It's safe to say that the old bill generally aren't keen on lefty lawyers, so I had to work out whether to tell them what I do for a living and be a complete pariah for the rest of the evening or just lie. I decided to take the coward's approach and say I worked for the Inland Revenue. Unfortunately, I then got cornered by a Chris DeBurgh fan from the fraud squad who had a long detailed question about VAT fiddles. In the words of the News of the World reporter at a wifeswapping party "I made my excuses and left".

I'm a barrister, please send me a brief!

Watching the telly last night, I realised "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!" has got to be the most misleadingly named show on the box. Looking at the parade of C-listers desperately trying to revive their flagging careers, it seems to me that a more honest title would be "I was a celebrity, please keep me in here". That got me wondering what the show would look like if it had lawyers on it. The title would be something like "I'm a barrister, please send me work" and there'd be loads of people in wigs desperately trying to curry favour with solicitors. It's always cringeworthy to watch. There are a few tactics that are common. 1. "Have I told you about my latest reported case?". What anyone using this tactic normally forgets to mention is that whilst their names do crop up an awful lot in the law reports, they are inevitably on the losing side. People who trot out this one tend to be photographed in wig and gown on their chambers website. Obviously I'm just jealous about not having any reported cases. I'm certainly not feeling twitchy about the fact that my clerk reckons "you can go an awfully long way in this game by losing, just so long as its on appeal!". Honest. 2. "I feel so sorry for Barrister X after that disasterous result in the Employment Appeal Tribunal. What were the Judges thinking...". This tactic pretends to show compassion and an up-to-date knowledge of case law, when in reality it is making the point that a rival isn't that good. 3. "Next time we're at court, we really must have lunch". i.e. I'm desperate. Please send me some work and I'll buy you a sandwich from the bakers near Willesden County Court! 4. "Z & Co really should be closed down, the papers that they send out are atrocious. Unlike yours" - Flattery works well every time. Well, it does until you remember that the solicitor you're talking to is the managing partner at Z & Co and they are the incompetent imbecile you are talking about. 5. "Oh yes, things are going well. Just bought a villa in Tuscany. You must come over some time". The appearance of success coupled with the offer of a free holiday. A better class of bribe than the sandwich but still a bribe. 6. "How's Barrister Y getting on after he got caught in chambers with a load of cocaine and a rent boy?" - Clearly suggests that Barrister Y is not to be trusted. Also, flatters your solicitor by suggesting that they are privy to gossip that will have inevitably have had a D notice slapped on it by the chambers concerned. Plus, if they hadn't heard about it before, they have now! I'm pretty hopeless at the marketing thing. I've found that plying solicitors with alcohol and discussing the contents of "Heat" magazine seems to work reasonably well. It also tends to avoid any awkward questions about law and reported cases. Ho hum.

Barbie vs Sindy

Growing up in Lancashire during the 70s, Barbie was not my doll of choice. Sindy was. Barbie was unfeasibly skinny, wore too much make up and worst of all, American. Sindy was chunkier, fresh faced and British. Her horse riding accessories were also far superior. Sindy was also manufactured by "Pedigree" thus confirming that she was dead posh. Walking down the aisles of Toys 'r' Us is not for the faint-hearted lesbian about town. There are children. Obviously. There's also far too much pink (I never thought I'd ever say that). Sadly, Sindy seems to have disappeared off into the great landfill sight in the sky, no doubt minus an arm. Barbie seems to have lost weight since the 70's but still has a wide range of princess and bridal outfits However, to give Barbie her due, she has recognised that princesses need a proper job. You can now get "career girl Barbie" and "pet doctor Barbie". Why they can't just call her a vet, I have no idea. However, you can't buy a Barrister Barbie. Admittedly, this is probably because the clothes are not conducive to sparkles and the wig would be a nightmare to manufacture. However, I like the idea of being unique and priceless, so for the purposes of this blog, I have cast aside narrow prejudices and nationalism and so "Barrister Barbie" is born. Obviously, I would have preferred to be "Barrister Sindy" but it just doesn't sound right. "Solicitor Sindy" has the right degree of alliteration but I'm not a solicitor. It also conjures up a very unfortunate image involving thigh boots, pvc hot pants and a boob tube which Sindy would never have dreamed of wearing. Unlike Barbie.