I'm a barrister, please send me a brief!

Watching the telly last night, I realised "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!" has got to be the most misleadingly named show on the box. Looking at the parade of C-listers desperately trying to revive their flagging careers, it seems to me that a more honest title would be "I was a celebrity, please keep me in here". That got me wondering what the show would look like if it had lawyers on it. The title would be something like "I'm a barrister, please send me work" and there'd be loads of people in wigs desperately trying to curry favour with solicitors. It's always cringeworthy to watch. There are a few tactics that are common. 1. "Have I told you about my latest reported case?". What anyone using this tactic normally forgets to mention is that whilst their names do crop up an awful lot in the law reports, they are inevitably on the losing side. People who trot out this one tend to be photographed in wig and gown on their chambers website. Obviously I'm just jealous about not having any reported cases. I'm certainly not feeling twitchy about the fact that my clerk reckons "you can go an awfully long way in this game by losing, just so long as its on appeal!". Honest. 2. "I feel so sorry for Barrister X after that disasterous result in the Employment Appeal Tribunal. What were the Judges thinking...". This tactic pretends to show compassion and an up-to-date knowledge of case law, when in reality it is making the point that a rival isn't that good. 3. "Next time we're at court, we really must have lunch". i.e. I'm desperate. Please send me some work and I'll buy you a sandwich from the bakers near Willesden County Court! 4. "Z & Co really should be closed down, the papers that they send out are atrocious. Unlike yours" - Flattery works well every time. Well, it does until you remember that the solicitor you're talking to is the managing partner at Z & Co and they are the incompetent imbecile you are talking about. 5. "Oh yes, things are going well. Just bought a villa in Tuscany. You must come over some time". The appearance of success coupled with the offer of a free holiday. A better class of bribe than the sandwich but still a bribe. 6. "How's Barrister Y getting on after he got caught in chambers with a load of cocaine and a rent boy?" - Clearly suggests that Barrister Y is not to be trusted. Also, flatters your solicitor by suggesting that they are privy to gossip that will have inevitably have had a D notice slapped on it by the chambers concerned. Plus, if they hadn't heard about it before, they have now! I'm pretty hopeless at the marketing thing. I've found that plying solicitors with alcohol and discussing the contents of "Heat" magazine seems to work reasonably well. It also tends to avoid any awkward questions about law and reported cases. Ho hum.